8 Basic Emotions – Joy and Anger – Part II of IV
Joy! Have you ever taken the time to really consider what joy actually is? Not just the fleeting, surface level happy feeling that comes when we feel “good”. I am referring to that unbridled joy that splinters out into our extremities and has us brimming with utter glee! Children are our guides when it comes to the expression of joy! They feel it. And they aren’t afraid to show it!
It’s a little bit rare that people know on a deep level what this emotion means to them. We have a society that is built on bringing us joy, at least in the consumer sense. The dictionary definition varies and includes; ‘the emotion of great delight and happiness’, ‘a source of keen pleasure or delight’ or ‘something greatly valued or appreciated’. Merriam Webster are a little more lofty and define joy as; ‘the emotion evoked by well being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires’. With all its loftiness, in that last part, ‘what one desires’ probably lies the door to your joy. What brings you this emotion? What is it that you desire? Is it internal or external? Space, purpose, connection, beauty, financial superiority, recognition, freedom, laughter? Lebanese poet, Khalil Gibran wrote a fantastic poem, ‘Of Joy and Sorrow’. In it he ventures that “your joy is your sorrow unmasked”, implying that it has a deep connection to sadness and that we can’t have one without the other! What a brilliant concept. For us to feel joy in its deep and pure form, we must also have the capacity to feel and process sadness.
Sometimes people say to me “I feel joy when I am drinking”, or “Taking drugs brings me joy”. And I can certainly vouch that there was a time when I believed that a specific mix of alcohol and cocaine in my blood stream brought me joy. But I think the folly in this version of joy and in a similar vein when we think buying something will bring us joy, is that it is an external thing that is driving our happiness. This type of joy is somewhat forced and contrived. That’s why when we start buying things, once attained, the delight is short lived and we need to move onto the next thing to purchase. It isn’t a deep feeling.
The interesting feature of joy, at least in what I have seen of other peoples’, is that it is found in the simple moments, in the every day experience. I see it when people support each other. When they, with good intentions, tease and taunt one another. In the playing of board games or basketball or when they stand up on a surfboard. I see it on people’s faces when they come to accept the less appealing parts of themselves and when they make it through an emotionally harrowing couple of days. When people feel connected to themselves and to others, there is a sense that they are closer to or more in touch with their joy. There’s a youthfulness to joy, it is catching and wondrous!
Do you think that deeper, long lasting joy is something found when we reach a goal? Absolutely it can be, but I also believe that it is felt and experienced in the day to day, in the being, as well as the doing or achieving. What thoughts or beliefs associated with joy do you have? This will tell you a lot about your experience and relationship with this emotion. I think it will also provide guidance in relation to whether your ‘desires’ are truly what you need. If you desire success, once it is attained does your joy remain, or fade into the distance of longing? Mapping joy in our bodies, it is the only emotion that is felt across our entire figure. It is most strong in our heart, head and face which isn’t surprising given the impact a broad smile has on our being!
Take a look at joy, what do you do that brings you closer to it?
Probably the most dividing and overtly destructive of our emotions is Anger. It is the cause of violence and trauma, deep hurt and fear, and it leads to great misunderstandings as unregulated, anger inhibits our ability to communicate and be heard. With domestic violence being a serious concern in Australian society it is of paramount importance that men and women come to understand the signs of anger in their body, the thoughts that can drive and exacerbate it and how to regulate it effectively. It is often a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which leaves both sufferers of this trauma and their loved ones at the mercy of the unpredictability and destabilisation of anger.
However, with the above said, when well regulated and well communicated, it is one of the more defining emotions in terms of our needs, mainly because it tells us so much about ourselves, those we spend time with and the environment in which we live. I heard a therapist say once that anger is a sign that you have an unmet need. Does that resonate with your experience of anger? It is certainly worth asking, do I have an need that isn’t being met here?
I find that anger often links to a lack of communication, when we aren’t saying something or we don’t feel like we are being heard, the evidence is anger. There’s a non violent communication tool called “sharing my reality” which is very effective at allowing people to communicate when they have been impacted by another. I will leave the details of this to another piece of writing but I know of its power having witnessed it being used in a residential treatment centre amongst the residents and staff.
To regulate anger try the following; 1. Name it. 2. Pause and breath. 3. Make a decision about what to do, either walk away, go and write on it, talk to someone that is a support or communicate if regulated enough. What thoughts come with your anger? I find there are often ‘drivers’ of anger and our thoughts can absolutely generate and increase this emotion. “She always does this to me!”, “They are always late”, “He was totally rude to me” are but a few. Explore your thoughts around anger. Get to know its signs in your body. Anger is very much a head emotion, it is felt acutely in our heads but it spreads out quickly to our shoulders and arms and torso and legs. The sharper the internal response you have to something, the more likely it is linked to really old beliefs or experiences. As mentioned earlier, anger often sits above fear, sadness, hurt and shame. If you can, befriend your anger. You will have a much greater chance of being able to regulate it when it visits if you understand it, see the signs of it early and use a regulation strategy such as the one above.